Top 100 Funny Quotes

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Only the best of the best quotes make it here, and it's up to our visitors to decide which make it and which do not. This list is automatically sorted based on your votes, so please vote if you think a quote sucks or rocks!

I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it. - Anonymous
I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it. Anonymous
Eat Quotes Short Quotes
My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street. - Anonymous
My decision making skills are as good as a squirrel that's crossing the street. Anonymous
Analogies Short Quotes
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway. - Anonymous
Listen, smile, agree.. Then do whatever you were gonna do anyway. Anonymous
Life Quotes Sayings Short Quotes
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I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure! - Anonymous
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure! Anonymous
Know Quotes Never Quotes Time Quotes
Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet. - Anonymous
Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet. Anonymous
Internet Witty Quotes
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent. - Anonymous
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent. Anonymous
Sayings Short Quotes
I only have one wish in life... For all my dreams to come true. - Anonymous
I only have one wish in life... For all my dreams to come true. Anonymous
Life Quotes Short Quotes
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!
If you didn't see it with your own eyes, or hear it with your own ears, don't invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth! Anonymous
Sayings
After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up.
After a while, I eventually fell in love and there was nobody to pick me up. Anonymous
Love Quotes Short Quotes Stupid Quotes
I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. - Anonymous
I don't understand how I can remember every word of a song from 1984, but I can't remember why I walked into the kitchen. Anonymous
Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. - Anonymous
Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone. Anonymous
People Quotes Short Quotes
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow. Anonymous
Life Quotes Short Quotes
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. - Anonymous
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers. Anonymous
Work Quotes
Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people. - Anonymous
Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people. Anonymous
Internet People Quotes
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