Top 100 Funny Quotes

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Only the best of the best quotes make it here, and it's up to our visitors to decide which make it and which do not. This list is automatically sorted based on your votes, so please vote if you think a quote sucks or rocks!

Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent. - Anonymous
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the M is silent. Anonymous
Sayings Short Quotes
So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff. - Anonymous
So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff. Anonymous
Life Quotes Short Quotes
Cheer myself up.
I always try to cheer myself up by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. Anonymous
Moments Time Quotes
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow.
Life always offers you a second chance. It's called tomorrow. Anonymous
Life Quotes Short Quotes
I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this." - Anonymous
I want to change my name on Facebook to "Nobody," so when I see someone posting something stupid I can Like their post and it will say "Nobody likes this." Anonymous
Facebook
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller? - Anonymous
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller? Anonymous
Questions
Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car. - Anonymous
Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car. Anonymous
Short Quotes Wise Quotes
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it. - Anonymous
I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it. Anonymous
Sayings
The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
The great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Walter Bagehot

Life Quotes People Quotes Short Quotes
Never ask a starfish for directions. - Anonymous
Never ask a starfish for directions. Anonymous
Never Quotes Sayings Short Quotes
That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home. - Anonymous
That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home. Anonymous
Life Quotes Moments
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' - Anonymous
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' Anonymous
Funny Tree Quotes Stupid Quotes Witty Quotes
Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes.
Life doesn't have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Anonymous
Life Quotes Short Quotes
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. - Anonymous
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough. Anonymous
Eat Quotes Short Quotes Stupid Quotes
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